"It" Phase
Posted at 12:45 PM


I'm listening to: Love (Pass It On) as a favorite post in Book Of The Yahn

Today, I move on.

I already said it before, about two days ago, last November 19. My sis' sharing has shone me some light. Thank God for that. And now I'm just enlightened--on how to actually do so.

I have come to realize that it all starts with the decision to act on what you want. As I've told my friend, "I don't really need anyone or anything to take my mind off him. All I had to do to start getting my life back is to simply decide that I will move on." I definitely do not need or even want a rebound, and keeping me busy won't make me as much happy as well. I have to be happy... on my own.

Good thing my sis and I drank last Tuesday. We were throwing our stories with one another. She was so broken-hearted, not to mention it was her birthday then. Tsk. Stories of sadness, already answered questions that we keep asking, tears that won't stop flowing. And that one testimonial of another sis for this broken-hearted sis knocked some sense into me.

She was relenting her version of moving on. Yes, we noticed the sadness in her face, and the struggle she's been through. And now we look at her, we'd definitely agree that she has been better. She has succeeded. And she simply started with a decision--making a CHOICE. A difficult choice that takes pretty much a long process--and time and energy--but has a lasting, maturing consequence.

And eventually, I had to admit it. I couldn't move on. I wasn't moving on. All because I haven't really made the decision. I wanted to, but I have never really decided to.

All the while, I was stuck. Upon hearing the testimonial, I wanted to act, and decide already. But of course, I had to think, as always. I asked, "What kept me holding on, anyway?" And I've come to terms with the truth: I wanted to know what he had in mind. Before I really give up, I had to know if I'm wasting my chance or my assumptions have been right all along. I wanted to see if it was just me or it was really mutual. I wanted it to come from his own mouth, not from his actions. I wanted to hear it instead of conclude it.

Thinking about it made me back out a bit. Maybe I should wait and tell him first before I actually do it. Then again, that's only prolonging the agony. It would be really stupid of me to be stuck this long--and actually to choose being so. So I realized that I really do have to move on already. Life goes on and it stops for no one--not ever. I always knew I'll move on eventually, someday. Thus, I have decided that someday is NOW.

About two days ago, my sis and I went to Ministop on a very early morning. As we chatted, I've remembered my old happiness and happen to share that realization with her: that I have been happy before he came in to my life. I was so contented with my life already without him! When he came, he just made it happier for me. Now I realize, such 'disillusionment' does not always last, maybe not even in a good way. I figured that the trend was that happy, happier, then sad. Once you get 'happier,' you don't step down to being happy again; you sink down to sadness, or maybe even worse.

Still, the good news is that, happiness is still there--and it always will. You've been happy before, why not be so again? I think that's what 'disillusionment' does: making us happier, forgetting how to be happy on our own. It already happened--can't it happen again?

So right now, I'm in the process of regaining that happiness of mine. As I've said, I do not want love for now; HAPPINESS is what I wish for. The goal now is to be happy. Happier will come later.

Moving on. Step one. Decision. Choice. Check! Now I'm on step two: planning. What do I do now? I'm now reliving my good ol' hopes and aspirations. Here comes the new me.

Already, I'm beginning to be happy.

PS: I was supposed to post FOR THE LAST TIME the things I remember about him, what he has taught me. Then again, I think I have reminisced pretty much long enough. Time to get rid of his memoirs. It's me and GOD time again! I'm loving this.

Counting Down?
Posted at 08:20 AM

I'm feeling: Excited!!!
I'm listening to: Keyboard typing sound

Ok... yes. Im ready to be excited..

"When is it my turn?"
The hospital bag is out on the floor - have packed all the necesserties following the list that ESH had provided in their phamplet. Have spent all the necessery monies on whatever is required...found our original marriage cert (phew!) and chucked it into the bag...
Disposable panties -Check!
Maternity Pads - Check!
Breast Pads - Check!
My pyjamas -Check!
Toiletries -Check!

The baby cot have been set up in 648 last Saturday.
It was done in a jiffy by the delivery man. We have opened our windows and ventilated the room last weekend. Thank God for the weather - it was rather cooling.
Actually our room is like the baby's room now (except for the Queen-size bed). We even have set up a shelf displaying all her bathing/changing necesserties - like her bathing towels, her J&J bath lotion, her bum-cream, powder, etc..
Oh... What else is not about baby Faith now... haha....
She is all we can focus on...the pending arrival of our beautiful Princess Faith.

Did i share that we finally met Sharon, my forum friend whom we got to know through SingaporeMotherhood? We just happened to have the appt to see Dr Heng on the same day - 10th November. She was to take the CTG scan that day - whereas it was my first appt with Dr Heng after 2 weeks. So Sharon's baby, Daphne is 2 weeks older than Baby Faith.
I had gained 1.2kg whereas Faith gained 400grams and she is 2.3kg at Week 36. So, there again, 800grams went to me! I have gained 10kg so far in my pregnancy. Baby Faith have "engaged" according to Dr Heng. But when i asked about the 'lightening' effect - apparently she did not agree.
She did mention Baby Faith is a small baby. It will be my turn to do the CTG scan on my next visit - which would be this Friday - 20th November.
CTG scan is to monitor the baby's heartbeat and also to monitor if we have contractions.
So, since then, i have double my milk intake each day. I hope baby Faith takes her time to grow in my tummy and continue to receive the required nutrients to her each day.
My EDD is still 10th Dec..  (So baby, take your time... December is the month of Thanksgiving, celebrations, gifts and bonuses.. keke..)

And i read the forum this morning to discover that Sharon had delivered Baby Daphne at ESH yesterday!
Wow. i was so happy and excited for her. I went to use my hp to surf facebook immediately and saw her beautiful daughter...
Apparently, when i checked the forum, on Saturday morning, she informed us that she had gotten 'the show'. But Dr Heng din ask her to admit, just monitor the contractions. Then on wee sunday morning she was on forum chatting with a fellow mummy abt the movie 2012 and that she wanted to watch on Monday.
Half way, her waterbroke, so she admitted herself to ESH at wee morning 2am, after 6 hours, she delivered baby Daphne at 8 plus... Din hear her mention abt epidural. But she had used vacuum assist as she was saying by 7.30am, she still could not have the energy to push the baby out. I think its all so worth while, i see her carrying baby Daphne in her arms and she could successfully breastfeed the little girl... so cute!!!

Another mummy who was seeing Dr Heng also delivered last Friday.

So it was all about congratulations and excited messages this morning in the forum... I shared with Julian as he also saw Sharon on our last appt. So we will plan to go watch 2012 this Wednesday. keke..Take it as our last movie treat for ourselves....

You know how it feels like now?
God has given me a gift....inside me. And i am waiting to see how the precious gift of life looks like!
I can't wait to put on those small cute baby tie-string clothes on her. I can't wait to hold her and breastfeed her. Im looking forward to putting my sleeping princess on her cot and admiring her from my bed..
Am i imagining everything to be too easy? Treat her like my 'toy doll'..
Well.. i have to admit i din have much practise with my Barbie doll except that i enjoyed tying up Barbie's hair into golden plaits.
I try to believe things will be manageable and it is part of learning and becoming a mother  =)
Oh really... this can be nerve-wrecking at times..But i try to calm myself down and be as prepared as possible for the day when it is my turn.
In any case, like discussed with so many people - it is like taking an exam paper - it is all about "real time reaction" now. (临场表现）
I want to be au natural about it, cool and just do what is natural for a mother to do....just like how our ancestors brought our fore-fathers to this world...
And of course, i pray for God's presence and grace to be on us - Bless Daddy Julian and me and this new family member which God had given to us.

I may think i will not have much time to update this blog soon..
But i will still keep this passion burning - so besides Facebook, i will write all my feelings here - AS LONG AS I have internet and the laptop....okay?

I will be getting busier and please forgive me if I have been extra forgetful or distracted during this period of time..
This is one of my life's most important transition... and im going to enjoy it (well, i have enjoyed 9 months of it!) and make the most out of this....(my maternity leave) haha.
I will be back soon!

Please continue to pray for our family and join me in my count down to December... and Baby Faith  =)
Its the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la, La la la la.

Muackz!

What's the sense in waiting?
Posted at 10:55 PM


I'm listening to: Dashboard Confessional's As Lovers Go in Book Of The Yahn

As Lovers Go
Dashboard Confessional 

She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here."
And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong
All wrong
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear and I'll belong to you if you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all of my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side."
"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Tonight
Tonight
You've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier
I'll be yours my dear and I'll belong to you if you just let me through
This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go so don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes. 
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go so don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes. 
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

Three
Posted at 08:25 AM


as a favorite post in Whore-iffic Memoirs

Emotions are so intense, they can cloud one's judgment.

Just the thought of you makes me like you.

I'm loving this life. Even just for now.

When you can't admit what you want
Posted at 05:20 AM


in Book Of The Yahn

All I want is happiness.

And it really pains me to admit this.

Because all it means is that I haven't been exactly happy all along.

And if I don't make it known that I'm LYING all along...

I wonder what will happen now.

Can someone please help me make myself happy?

Emo sh*t.

You'd think things are falling apart now.

They're not.

They're just breaking into pieces.

Just why am I sad?

For this long already?

Vegetarians
Posted at 10:55 PM

I give in.  I still think that if it was shot in color it should stay color, but sometimes I just can't decide.  In this case, I think monochrome is better. 

Good question..
Posted at 09:12 AM

I'm feeling: Happy after a hair treatment and a trim
I'm listening to: Im eating dinner at the kitchen

Talking to Julian about my hospital bag...
Then suddenly he asked, "if mothers aren't supposed to bath during confinement, then why need to pack the shower stuffs in your hospital bag?"

Hmm... i was stumped! I looked back (i think i stared!) at him and found myself dumbfounded.
Like i could hear my mouth waiting for that electric signal from the brain, so i could sprout out a smart reply. But the mouth and myself was waiting and no answers came!

*GOOngggggg!!* eh wake up, dey!*

i spluttered, "ooohh.... Why din i think of that? "
And i was even mentally prepared to 'enjoy' my first hospital stay! Wahaha....

So.... until i get more answers, I think i have to assume that i wun be bathing or showering in ESH during my stay.
Oh.. wun i become a smelly pig?
No wonder gynae recommend that mothers take a bath (if they have time b4 baby pops out), then prepare for admission to the hospital....

But im sure to exert force and sweat in the labour ward right?
Oh right... I guess instead of showering stuffs, i should bring my deodorant.....

"For my Faith, ...... for my maranthon..." haha

Crossing to November -Am i excited?
Posted at 12:32 PM


I'm listening to: Sound of my ceiling fan

Recently, I have been asked this question a few times already....
People wants to know how i am feeling..

Hmm..  not exactly so that I can feel the excitement yet.  I am giving myself more time - probably by mid November, i should get excited.
Its more of an anticipation and a mixture of anxiety..
Becos i have been relaxed for so long and now i find that i have little time to get all the stuffs ready for my baby Faith.
Clothes are easy....But what about the cot, the space in our room, her drawer of stuffs - things like Ru Yu Oil, thermometer, nose cleaner(?) <-- i am a bit fearful of using this... so im gg to ask more ppl if i need to get this appartus first (Otherwise the alternative is to suck from her nose...!!!!!????) Erhm.... i think i may get this eventually.
Many other small stuffs...need to start to wash her clothes too.. Need to buy special detergent for baby's clothes, special detergent to wash baby's bottles etc....
I better start to turn the other half of my 648 bedroom into a baby room - once the cot is delivered and set up (14th Nov!)- we shall then (have more idea to/ be prompted to) appropriate the space. Now, its more like "Hi Faith, mummy is not ready yet okay... you take your time to grow inside..while i get ready".
No... dun tell me how many weeks i have left - Wait, NO...Dun remind me how many days i am closer to Dec 10th..
Wait... give me some more time..
So, u see....  im not excited yet.
Once I am ready and waiting at home for her to be ready - that is call excitement...

Still got thousand and one questions (even b4 i set up to drip The Body shop Green Tea essential oil into the oil burner, i had to consult the internet first) - but i am blessed with many ppl (experienced and first timers) who are around me and I can call on them if i have any problems.
Even when im shopping for a receiving blanket for the baby - i will sms to my "panel of mothers" to get their opinion..  I smsed them b4 i got my nursing bras...really thank God and appreciate them for their willing help and guidance.
My panel of mothers: Joanne (relative -1st time mum), Catherine (Weehow's wife, 1st time mum, delivered at ESH ), Josephine (my cousin -2nd time but more prepared mother), sometimes, Jacqueline, my ex-colleague. Sometimes, Eileen (2nd time mum, relative). I also can consult my current colleagues, Sin Wan and Joleen. Joleen, 2nd time mum after taking a break for 12 years -  have passed me a couple of useful stuffs, like breast milk bags, breast cream and disaposable breast pads... Sin Wan, a first time mum this year, she is very willing to share and initiated a few conversations with me. She seemed more excited than me when talking abt childbirth and babies! Look at how she smile! (Hmm..... Can after childbirth give me this kind of glow too?)

Im just so..... 'market research' plus 'survey' person...In the end, Catherine's advice was to get a swaddle or blanket that comes with hood, or i can give her a cap to wear when Faith is out... So yar, there i am, haven got the 'receiving' blanket for my child.
But i am waiting... waiting for a day for my busy julian to be free and we can grab those stuffs at one go - in his car and into our room! I have done my research and the one stop place to go would be Kiddy Palace (As recommended by Catherine too).
As for myself, i need to get pads, more disposable underwears, think of what i am going to wear in hospital stay, my shower stuffs, bring along breast pump also... ... etc --> this is for my hospital bag.

Do i sound like i am lamenting? Do i sound like im complaining (already!!!???)?
Gosh! This is the part - i have been enjoying myself before in the past months... and now -this is the part 'Crossing over to Parenthood'.. and its happening. Lets freak out! HAHA..

No... i dun see YS or Weehow freak out... they are so cool.
And i think to myself, if teenagers can be mothers, i can be one too! What big difficulties can they face that i can't?
At this thought, part my brain relaxes and say "Sub-sub-water lar!" (While the other half doubts... )
YS and Lynn were relaxed on Sunday for Baby Jovia's 1st month party. Lynn's mum was taking care of Baby Jovia. Even after we alerted YS -  cos we saw her daughter red-faced and was 'pushing' in her sarong- so we (all 3 girls) thinks Jovia had poo-ed, but the 'cool' father only thinks she had farted, can continue to let her sleep in her lovely pink sarong... (Hmm.. then wats the baby cot for?)
The only thing i heard good of sarong is that the baby head will be round - as compared to baby sleeping in a cot - cos we have to take effort to flip her head so when her head is still soft, she doesn't press on one side of her head for too long... (I need more info on this too! - I shall ask Mrs Wong this Sunday!)
Yes, baby cot - So i saw the 2nd example of a baby cot under-utilised. Apparently, Weehow's daughter Gerelle likes to sleep with mummy on her bed. So poor daddy have to sleep on the floor... (DUH?)
Thats not all - Babies are also particular about:
- (the brand of) milk bottles they use 
- their diapers (Its like they have super bum-skin, can differentiate what brands they like...and what they dun like) 
Not sure if there are any more we, as parents, have to sacrifice and pay attention to.

BUT i know one last thing on my baby list is the baby pram. This is kinda a big investment (other than the cot), so i just 'feel' we need to let her be comfy in her own 'car car' when in future, we bring her out.. I cannot make any decision for her now (except the kind pf specs we roughly want - cos we are the co-users). I would prefer Baby Faith sit on something she likes, then i will buy for her. Easier for adults to adapt than babies, right?
Not yet think about the baby car seat yet..

Last Friday, i took the chance to go back to mum's place for dinner.. as DD was in Bangkok. We kept in touch via phone calls whenever Jul was free to talk, he would update me.
Saturday afternoon was KTV-ing at International Building/ Partyworld with Sis. It was a good time, the songs still ringing in my ears and i so wished to go sing again soon.
But i had to forgive myself for i was unable to sing properly now - with tummy upwards, i guess my diaphragm have been squashed too. So is my abdomen area.. so i find i do not get enough breath easily when singing and i cannot project my voice properly now. No 'power' in my singing liao.. No more Zhang Huimei crooning - only songs which requires my throat pitching.. But still it was good time - i enjoyed my bubble green tea. Hehe..
Then while we exited International Building -  i saw a familiar face entering the building and then upon second glance, i recognised her and naturally smiiled at her, as if i saw my relative. She was  Xiang yun. She returned my smile. Very friendly and warm. She was with her daughter. But i did not see Edmund. Prob he was walking too fast in front of the mother and daughter. I only managed to see his back view - thin and the likes of a 'teenager' built.
Across the bridge to Far East Plaza, accompanied Sis to get her caridgans. And saw another two celebs, Lai Yi Ling and the guy co-host with her in "On The Beat 2 都是大发现". The skies turned darker as we came out from shopping. Sis was planning to go Pasir Ris, while i need to go Marina Square to meet Jeannie and Singyin.
I saw my bus 124 and hopped on hurriedly, without giving Sis the goodbye hugs.. I was gan cheong -cos i did not want to be stuck in the rain..(with little cash) -the ATM at Far East had long queue...
It started to rain cats and dogs. I was glad the bus stopped at the bus stop closer to the entrance of the City Hall entrance near St Andrew's Cathedral. So, after some waiting, i took the 'leap of faith' and walked to the shelter and walked along it to reach the entrance of City Hall mrt. Phew!
Singyin was shopping at Mango. Soon Jeannie joined us. We headed to Mothercare and went to shop for a gift for Baby Jovia. Cos we were attending her baby shower the next day..
In the end we bought her a set of rompers - with cute elephant and mouse design. After dinner at Waruku... we went to Fox and topped up with another pretty dress...
Conclusion: shopping for baby's stuff will be most likely to make me bankrupt next year!
I better thicken up my savings!!! (Faintz)
At the same time, i think this will strengthen my judgement on "needs" and "wants" - especially for myself, the household, and for Baby Faith.

I am blessed to receive a bag of baby clothings from Eileen, my relative's daughter last night. I have not "ransacked" it, but they looked new to me. I think that bag alone saved me a lot of money - just like how my hand me down pregnancy clothes from Liyen saved me bucks on getting maternity denim jeans.

Jul returned on Sunday morning 1am. I was so happy he bought so many stuffs, for me and baby.
Jul is not of 'shopping' material.... He does not know how to buy girl's stuff.
But consider he did it for me, shopping alone -So, i have to accept his answer when he says: I bought it cos it looked good on the mannequin.."
I can ony smile sweetly at him.. becos i see his gesture, his thoughts... not what he actually bought.
He bought me a slipper, a dress and 3 tops. He bought Faith a dress( but paid by his boss, Reggie) and 2 shoes. His colleague, Lilian bought Faith three Osh Kosh tops in yellow, pink and red colour and a pink mini skirt. Good for her when she starts walking, she says..
I think we need to categorise her waredrobe then... and keep reminding myself Faith has enough! So we do not spur on her clothes even as she gets older! (Cos ppl already pre-buy for her liao)
Jul also bought for himself a yellow slipper, 3 "man-bermudas", belts, ties and tailored a pants and some shirt for himself. Missed each other so much, we chatted in bed until we were tired.. and drifted off into sleep.

Going into Wednesday! Tads fast!
I will try to enjoy my week - the Team returned from Korea today (Tuesday) - and our day started with gifts like: lipgloss, faceshop facial masks, seaweeds.....magnets, pens. 
But im also glad they are back - i can settle many pending things..

More blessings, Lord... Thank you God for keeping me (sane)...Thank you for your great love showered on me each day! =)

Take care and have a good week! Keep you updated again!
Love, Me & "moving- a- lot" Baby Faith 

"If you see me getting uglier, you will see Baby Faith getting prettier..." me to Jeannie at Marina Square Fox, uponing seeing the price of a pretty baby dress...
I am joking. yes.....  =P